the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone;
I will make him a helper fit for him." -
"Each person in marriage is seeking in
another the qualities which he feels he lacks in himself. This is
the basis of sex attraction. Women look to men for strength and
protection, for logic, and for the pioneering qualities they feel they
lack in themselves. Men look to women for femininity, homemaking,
motherliness, and receptive reactions, which in their own souls they
seem to miss. This is why in general it is not wise for a woman to
seem to be too clever especially before marriage. After marriage
she can reveal her cleverness more, but men are a little afraid of women
who seem to be too intellectual."
- Emmet Fox, Diagrams
For Living, The Bible Unveiled, 1968
I wrote in my message to the RevBates.tv Subscribers, the Love Boat
sailed without me a long time ago. And so, this "Valentine's
Day" message is not from someone who has been successful in
marriage or even with intimate relationships for that matter, but
perhaps some of you will find value in my ideas about both, for although
mine have been less than role-model relationships, I am grateful for
them all. My personal sense of marriage for me is similar to that
of Emmet Fox: "Fox never married and did not attach himself
to any social set. In a conversation about marriage he answered:
"I have thought about it more than once, and I realize that I could
have lived a more normal and perhaps a happier life, but I have always
felt that the work was so important that I had to forego these things
and devote all my energies and time to getting out the message."
When I look at the quote from the Book of
Genesis, "I will
make a helper fit for him," I
feel this "helper" for me has been all the people who I have
come into contact with in my life and through this ministry who
contributed to my decision to become and remain a dedicated minister,
for it is the love of my life. And so unlike the great Emmet Fox,
who I highly respect and admire, I will not give my "opinions"
on marriage (see quote above), since I find his highly amusing and
almost hilarious. Yet, I have had my "Song of Solomon"
moments in life and what I have learned from these experiences, I will
share with you:
It has been said that "The
heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing" ...
if we must divorce our self from Intelligence in order to justify our
passion for someone, it is probably not going to have a happy ending ...
but an end is inevitable. Emotions are derived from thoughts and
although it is right that we honor our emotions, we are not to be ruled
thine own self be true" and
this we must not lose sight of even when we want someone's love and
affection. We must insist on being loved for who we are, not for
what someone else may want us to be. We are responsible for our
self; our body, our mental state, our self-esteem, and our own
self-image. Success in life comes from knowing that who we are is
more important than what we do or what we have.
think you can have intimate love without sex" ...
perhaps this is true, but not a lot of fun. Sex is an important part of
being intimate, it is sharing a part of our self that is not only
unique, but intimately so. Throughout
history there has been a culture clash against sexual expression.
Religion has taught us to feel guilty and shameful unless our sexuality
met the dictates of their dogma. And in many parts of the world
religions have been able to legislate against sexual freedom and
expression and the level of violence against women and others have been
the consequences. Sex is sacred when it is the consensual
expression of love and affection. It is a gift from G-d that
should not be exploited by religion or politics.
I can't have you, I don't want anyone else" ...
if someone says this to you, run, don't walk away ... if you say it to
someone else, stop and sit in the silence until your mind is adjusted by
Higher Intelligence ... these are words of desperation and
self-depreciation and we must heal the thinking that moved them through
our mind. Possessiveness is not a loving emotion but a controlling
one. Love expressed at the level of addiction or obsession,
requires healing to eliminate the history of causes behind it. And
statements such as this one reveal someone "arguing" for their
good ... we never have to argue or fight for that which is ours.
just like my ex (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend)" ...
this is someone who wants to re-live a negative experience ... let them
live it ... but not with you. What comes out of our lips is coming
from our consciousness. Comparisons are not only unfair, but out
of Principle. Those who persist in forming comparisons in their
minds, especially in respect to people, have some growing up to do.
Let them grow ... but let them go. Love and happiness are here and
now, accept these things and don't compromise.
you do this or I am leaving" ...
open the door for them and let them go ... or face a never ending cycle
of manipulation. Love does not manipulate. "Love
is always patient; love is always kind; love is never envious or
arrogant with pride. Nor is it conceited" ...
this is from the ancient scriptures and are words to understand,
especially in relationships and marriage. And we must remember
that Love never requires us to be a doormat either.
is not pitiful" ...
if we feel sorry for, or pity the person we think we love, or see them
inferior in any way, we don't love them. Instead, we are finding
validation for something within our own subconscious that needs to be
healed. Heal the thing and let the person find someone who
sees them as G-d sees them, capable, worthy, intelligent, and wonderful.
am looking for my better-half" ...
two halves do not make a whole ... they make two incomplete people who
need to be made whole, but they must choose to be made whole. If
someone truly thinks of themselves as "half" ... we might want
to be wary of the other half. Too often people have expectations
of others that are unrealistic.
Now, I don't want anyone to think that I am
opposed to marriage or intimate relationships, because I am not. I
believe that true love expressed both passionately and intelligently is
one of the most beautiful things to be experienced. The
Master Mind Jesus stated that this is the kind of marriage that makes
two, one. He
said they shall become "one flesh"
... and flesh being physical, he meant that their physical lives shall
become one of unity, working together with a shared purpose; i.e. having
children or sharing a home together and even much more.
People have told me, "I
am alone but never lonely" ...
this is probably not true for most of us, although the times we
experience this feeling may be rare. I believe everyone feels
lonely at times, even in a crowd of people. What we must remember
is that loneliness is a feeling that is energized by our thoughts.
Feeling lonely can take the form of feeling separated from life and from
the good. And for most people, lonesome means being without the
companionship or love of someone else. Yet, the most important
relationship we will ever have is the relationship to "self"
... for our relationship to self, is a reflection of our relationship
with G-d. This is why I believe the
best word in "lonesome" is "me" ...
"me" is a pronoun that must be the object of a verb ... this
means we must give our self some attention. And it is in this
being conscious of the importance of "me" that we eliminate
the thoughts that create the feeling of being lonesome.
us enjoy this Valentine's Day and feel the blessing of the Spirit as it
moves us to be more conscious of Love; love for self, love for G-d, and
love for all that is part of our own world of experience. Let us
also begin to be conscious of the truth that feeling
"lonesome" is just the movement of Infinite Love through our
mind to be more loving, more patient, more kind, and more generous to
SO IT IS!
Dr. Henry Lee Bates
Visit Rev. Bates BLOGS: Living
the Science of Mind
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